my online pensieve

The Sun Always Shines After the Rain

2009-04-03T16:00:00.001+08:00

I sometimes lament the fact that so many things in my life didn’t go the way I planned them. If most of them had, I would have finished BS Mathematics at the Ateneo, and by now I would be working for the Asian Development Bank, saving money to build a house and for married life.

Instead, I ended up as a call center agent, where I toiled for three years, moving up the ranks and saving enough money to start my own business. It would have been a nice alternative had the business not failed miserably that I am now selling of my computer units. To make matters worse, I resigned from work so I could open the business, and for more than a year, job offers were few and far in between. I did not accept any of them, as I resented starting all over again in the call center industry and being paid much lower than what I was already earning by the time I resigned.

I took a lot of missteps along the way, either by making the wrong decisions or not doing enough to make my decisions right. It was easier to get frustrated and blame everyone else, instead of owning up to my mistakes and recognizing the fact that not everything will really go my way.

Not a few times, I was on the verge of giving up, but I realized that doing so will not make things better. My dreams are bigger than my failures, and my faith is greater than my struggles. I decided that while there are many things that can take me down, for I am as vulnerable as anyone else, nothing will keep me down, for I will always get back up.

I have gone through so many hardships in my life, especially in the past year. But I appreciate the fact that I experienced all those things, because I was able to test the strength of my character and my resolve. And I am pleased with the results, for the worst times have brought out the best in me. If I was able to remain hopeful and positive even when there was nothing but darkness around me, I can only imagine how much more I could be now that specks of light are starting to brighten my surroundings.

I do not believe in luck, but I know that everything can change in an instant. And for me, that moment was when I decided that I will beat the odds and continue pursuing my dreams. I’ve just signed a job offer from a financial research firm that would pay me more than what I received from my previous employer, and I am also accepting writing tasks that would help me improve my skills as a writer. Aside from that, I am now undergoing training to be part of my church’s newscast as a correspondent.

I am very happy with these developments, but I know that there will still be roadblocks along the way. But I am sure that I will never back down anymore from any challenge, I can take on anything that life will put me through, for I am guided and assisted by Him who wants nothing but the best for me. Things are finally starting to look up.

Goodbye, cruel world…

2009-03-18T15:30:00.002+08:00

Hell no, I am not about to commit suicide. Fact is, for the life of me, I cannot understand why some choose to snuff their own lives just because they failed in school or were rejected by someone they love. Neither am I terminally ill, although I’ve just realized that it’s been two years since my last check-up, so I’d never really know, right?

I used to be so afraid of death when I was growing up. I feared it so much that when I was around 7 years old, there was a time when I woke up in the middle of the night crying and asking my mother if I would live again if I die. Well, of course, she said yes, and I recall telling her that if I would be born again I wish to be an American. Haha! And when I heard about reincarnation, I almost wanted to convert to Hinduism, not knowing that reincarnation meant existing in another form. Heck, I would never wish to become a plant in my next life. Haha! I was so ignorant back then.

I was so afraid of the thought of dying that if I were a Hogwarts student, I am certain what form the boggart would take when Professor Lupin opened the wardrobe. (I just gave proof of my addiction to Harry Potter. Haha!)

But in the last couple of years, I have come to accept the fact that death is as much a part of us as life itself. That no matter how we try, it remains inescapable, inevitable. And no matter what anyone else thinks, I believe that the end of our lives had been marked even before we were born.

In the book “Veronika Decides to Die”, Paulo Coelho wrote that “the awareness of death makes one live life more intensely”. This truth became apparent to me a couple of years ago on two separate occasions where I came as close to dying as I ever had since I was a small boy.

In August 2007, during a medical check up for a clearance to play in our company’s basketball tournament, my blood pressure shot up to 180/120. It was abnormally high, especially that I was not manifesting symptoms of hypertension. I felt perfectly normal, and the doctor told me that I could have collapsed any time without much of a warning. Though my life was not in immediate danger, I know of stories of people collapsing due to high blood pressure and not regaining their consciousness. It was the first time that I fully realized that I could just drop dead at any moment. When my time is up, there’s nothing else I could do.

I recovered in a few days, and in the 17 months that has passed since then, my blood pressure has always been at a lot more normal 120/80.

Two months after that, I contracted Dengue Fever and was confined in the hospital for the first time in my life. My life wasn’t really threatened, though one of the two doctors who attended to me already wanted to transfuse me after my platelet count crashed to 30, from the normal level of 144.The other doctor, Dra. Tayzon of Infectious Diseases (she was the one who broke the news to Pia Magalona that FrancisM had leukemia), was more lenient. She decided to wait if my platelet count would go down to the 20s, though she also said that if I was already suffering from abdominal pains, then I would have to be transfused immediately because it means I was already hemorrhaging. The thing was, when the doctor visited me in the morning and pinched my abdominals to check if I felt pain, I had to sum up all my courage and composure to tell her I wasn’t hurt. I don’t really know how and why I did it, but I really just wanted to get out of the hospital soon enough. I felt any additional treatment done on me would prolong my stay there. And as cozy as the hospital is, I sure didn’t like the feeling of being sick and seemingly helpless. Looking back, it was a foolish decision; I could have died bleeding from the inside. What a bloody mess that would have been. Haha!

Nevertheless, there was one thing I realized from that episode. I had lost my fear of dying. My time in the hospital allowed me to contemplate and accept the fact that death is part of all of us. That no matter how strong I was, nor how young I was, I was as vulnerable to death as the next man. And to deny this enormous truth will only make it more difficult for us once that moment comes. But do not confuse this as resignation and surrender. For me, this acceptance allowed me to want to live my life more, because I am aware of the chances that at any time, everything will end. That is why I fought, that is why I refused to receive more treatments, because I wanted to will myself to live. There are so many things I still want to do with and to happen in my life. Again, a stupid decision, but it was another proof that if it’s not yet our time, then it’s not yet our time.

But there is one thing that strikes in me at least a little fear when I think of dying, and that is the possibility of not being able to say goodbye. I am not a very thoughtful person, and most of the time I am not able to fully express my love for the people who I value. I just don’t want to leave with the people special to me feeling that I loved them less than I really do. When I think of a way of dying, I actually keep on wishing that I would know in advance when it would happen, and I also don’t want to suffer too much before it happens. Not unlike a character from Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ “One Hundred Years of Solitude”, wherein she knew that she was going to die that night, bade the people goodbye and just went to sleep.

Terminally ill patients are given a lot of time to say goodbye, but they suffer too much pain from it. There are those who die painlessly, but the suddenness of their deaths deprived them of a chance to say farewell. If there was a way to die without suffering but also knowing way before when you would die, I guess I want to take that route.

But not all wishes are granted, and that is why I’m writing these words for the following people:

To my parents, I may not say this often, but I love you much more than I love myself. I wish I had made you proud, and I hope to be around long enough to fulfill every promise I made to you ever since I was a child. But if time runs out on me, please know that I did my best to secure for you the comforts that you deserve.

To my sisters, please take care of our parents. We may not be the tightest knit family that there could ever be, but I know that we are one when it matters the most.

To my nephews and nieces, you are the closest thing to children that I have. Please know that I love you all as much as I would love my own child.

To my friends, you know who you are. Thank you so much for everything. The fun times, the difficult times, the sorrows, the laughter. I will miss you all. I hope you celebrate my life more than you mourn my passing.

To all the girls I loved before (Barry Manilow?Haha!), thank you for sharing the best feeling in the world with me. I have learned a lot from all of you.

To those who treat me as their enemy, I have forgiven all of you. If I had offended or hurt you in one way or another, please forgive me. Be assured that I will never haunt you, there are no such things as imprints of a departed soul. Haha!

Of course I don’t want to have to say these words for a very long time, I still want to raise a family, start my own business, write books, have six pack abs, walk my daughter/s down the aisle and so many more. But just in case, then at least I was able to say au revoir. :)

after a decade minus a year...

2009-01-12T15:42:00.004+08:00

I cried when they refused to open the second envelope.

I still remember how the events were captured on TV. From the senators explaining their vote, to the disappointment in Supreme Court Chief Justice Hilario Davide's face as he announced the results, to the walk out by the Prosecution Team headed by then- Congressmen Sonny Belmonte and Joker Arroyo, to the infamous celebratory dance of then Senator Tessie Aquino- Oreta while Senate President Franklin Drilon and Senator Loren Legarda, overcome with emotion, were crying at the platform.

I will never forget how I felt at the time. I was transfixed at the TV set, unable to comprehend this blatant show of disrespect for the Filipino people. I could not fathom why these elected officials chose to keep something so important from the people who put them in their posts, just to protect a President accused of receiving kickbacks from illegal gambling.

I remember sitting in front of my computer and trying to write about it then, but my emotions got the better of me and I was unable to string my thoughts together. I so wanted to go outside and join demonstrations then, but my religion disallows active participation in politics, except for voting during elections, in which we vote as a bloc. So, as a show of my displeasure at what transpired that night, I decided to wear black to school the next day, in mourning of the “death of democracy”.

I was not the only one.

Lined up along Katipunan Ave. were hundreds of Ateneans not only wearing black, but also holding up placards to show their contempt of the Senate’s decision. More demonstrations followed, with the majority converging at EDSA Shrine. Students and professionals, businessmen and office workers, people from almost all walks of life came together and resolved not to leave EDSA until President Estrada leaves office. Democracy had never been more alive when it was supposed to be “dead”.

Almost 9 years have passed since that historic moment. However, instead of celebrating the anniversary of the triumph of another “People Power Revolution”, it seems that many are now lamenting the fact that it had happened in the first place. We had traded one corrupt government for a much more mischievous administration. Erap’s jueteng payouts actually looks like a petty crime compared to the accusations being hurled at the present administration.

Election cheating and the Garci scandal. Fertilizer Fund Scam. ZTE Broadband Deal. North Rail Project. These are just a few of the controversies that PGMA and her cohorts seem to have wiggled their way out of, more because the public has already stopped caring than because the public was convinced of their innocence.

Democracy was very much alive during EDSA Dos, but we knew that it is not supposed to happen again. It had raised doubts in our maturity as a nation, and to try to remove a third President out of the last five that served the country would make our nation a butt of jokes in the international scene for years and decades to come.

The present administration has exploited this fact. It has become so complacent that it can do anything it wishes to do and the Filipino people will not even put up a fight. Our love for our country is being used as a tool against us. When we cannot afford for other countries to stop taking us seriously, it is our own “leaders” who are laughing at us, with more and more money going into their pockets.

An official trip to the US for administration Congressmen just days before a Pacquiao fight? That was coincidental. A plain ‘sorry’ for the call made to Commissioner Garcillano, supposedly to protect her votes in Lanao Province? That was really innocent. An allocation for Fertilizer Funds even for City Mayors who won’t have much need for fertilizers except for their own backyards? That was the best way to spend taxpayer’s money.

I am not unintelligent, but I have become almost indifferent. At least it has been a good thing for me. I am able to vote during elections without any question why I am voting for the person whose name I am writing on the ballot. But if there are more and more people becoming like me, then it’s not a good sign for our country.

I remember back in 2002, during a symposium of students from all over Luzon, a question was posed to then Congressman Miguel Zubiri, on what it will take for the country to rise again. He shared the same theory as I did. We need a leader, who people will listen to and who will listen to the people as well, who people will trust, who will always serve the best interests of the people. More like a Mahatma Gandhi. Or perhaps in more recent history, more like a Barack Obama.

I don’t see anyone in our political scene who is even close to that. It seems that our politicians are always either administration or opposition, no one seems to want to unite, everyone seems to want to divide. And as more and more of this goes on, the less and less the public’s interest in politics is turning out to be.

I cried when they refused to open the second envelope. I don’t think I would even turn on my TV if that was happening now. I would probably just play NBA Live.

Too much fuss about sorry…

2009-01-05T15:35:00.001+08:00

On December 22, 2008, the biography of former House Speaker Jose de Venecia was launched in an event held at The Podium. The book, entitled “Global Filipino: The Authorized Biography of Jose de Venecia, Jr., the Visionary Five-Time Speaker of the House of Representatives of the Philippines”, was authored by a veteran American journalist and did not only document JDV’s rise to become one of the prominent politicians in the country, but also contained his insider’s account of the controversies hounding the Arroyo administration.

It was a newsworthy event in itself, what with the presence of political bigwigs of the past and present, headed by the 3 living former presidents of the country. But a remark from one of them made the event headline material for days to come.

Former President Corazon Aquino, during her brief speech, quipped “ I am one of those who plead guilty for 2001. Lahat naman tayo nagkakamali. Patawarin mo na lang ako”, apparently in response to deposed Former President Joseph Estrada’s joke in his earlier speech in which he said to JDV that he had already given him his “full and absolute pardon” as an exercise of his executive privilege.

As expected, the quote garnered an avalanche of reactions, from key personalities during the EDSA 2 uprising and opposition stalwarts alike. Some defended Cory, others said it was proof that Erap was really innocent and was just a victim of political power play, but most criticized President Aquino, saying that she overdid her reconciliation with Erap, with Senator Richard Gordon going as far as giving her the nickname ‘President Sorry’.

President Estrada said that he was vindicated, while Cory spokesman Dodie Limchauco explained her side, saying that the quote should have been taken in the context of a joke, as it was a very lighthearted affair, with Erap himself cracking his own jokes while delivering his speech.

The “sorry” remark itself could have meant any other thing. She may have been sorry for joining EDSA Dos because the alternative turned out to be no better than Erap. Or maybe because while she did not believe Erap to be guilty, she had no choice but to join in because almost all the power players in politics and business were in. Or maybe because while she was convinced of Erap’s guilt, she felt for the shame and embarrassment he endured in the succeeding years after he was driven out of power.

We may never know what the “sorry” really was for. But what we have to understand is that it was a personal matter between two very public figures. Cory did not speak on behalf, and she never claimed that she did, of the Filipino people or any particular group for that matter. Did Erap deserve to be apologized to? Only God and Erap himself know if he does.

But for whatever it’s worth, it doesn’t change anything that happened in 2001. Erap will always be described in the history books as the President who was ousted from his post by a popular uprising due to what people deemed to be an unfair impeachment trial stemming from charges that he received payouts from illegal gambling. The history books will also show that Cory was one of many prominent personalities who led this revolt. History will not include a footnote saying that after seven years, she said sorry to him.

Just before 2008 ended, I received what I consider as the best New Year’s gift I’ve received in years. After the last worship service of the year, Papa treated me and Mommy to Mcdonald’s . When Mommy asked why he was doing it, Papa placed an arm around my shoulder and said, “I just want to say sorry to you son, for I blamed you for all our struggles this year. I only realized now that it was God who helped us through everything”.

Did I deserve his apology? I certainly hope I do. For in spite of the fact that my decision to resign from a job that paid me well and open a business that not only earned much lower than expected, but worse, went through all sorts of problems that I had to close it for 3 months, hurt my parents a lot, I had nothing but the best intentions in doing so. I couldn’t help but feel guilty for everything, for maybe if I had not resigned from my job, then we would have been in a much better financial situation now. But my father’s words were a sign that no matter what happens, he was going to support me now every step of the way.

His “sorry” may not have changed anything that we went through, but it has made all the difference for me.

Bonne Annee

2008-12-31T21:12:00.001+08:00

As another year comes to a close, let us take a moment to reflect on what the year 2008 has brought to our lives. We’ve had our fair share of struggles and failures, some suffered from health problems while others went through the loss of a loved one. We all encountered trials that shook our faith in Him. But no matter how dark the cloud that hovers around us is, and no matter how bleak the prospects for the future are, we still have one very important thing that no amount of misfortune should equate to, our lives. And so, as we move on to the year 2009, let us carry with us the hope that this is the year when things start going our way and let us pray that through everything He will let us go through, He will never leave our side.

Thank you for calling 2....

2008-12-30T16:55:00.001+08:00

My first blog post about my call center boo-boos elicited a few laughs from my former officemates and others who were able to read it. It also allowed me to recall a few more bloopers, some of which I committed, the others I heard from other agents. Here are a few of them:

My dialogue with an Israeli caller who had very little command of the English language:

Me: Your date of birth, please.

Caller: What?

Me: When is your birthday, sir?

Caller: What?

Me: (already slightly irritated) When were you born sir?

Caller: I don’t understand

Me: (as if this would have made him understand) When did you see the light of day?

Caller: What?

Me: (losing my cool and shouting at the top of my voice) Sir, when is your birthday!!! You know, happy birthday???

Caller: (enlightened) Ahh…It’s……

Me: THANK YOU! (whew!)

One of the bigger challenges for a new call center agent is to hear clearly what the customer is saying, especially since we get calls from all over the world and getting foreign language calls is very much a part of everyday work.

Agent 1: What language do you speak sir?

Caller: Scottish

Agent 1: Okay, I’ll get you an interpreter (places the customer on hold)

Agent 2: (overhearing the conversation) Scottish is just an accent. It’s still English. You don’t need an interpreter my friend. Hehe!

The next line was overheard from an agent who in his short stint in the account, established a reputation of being short-tempered in his calls. This was during one of his calls when he so deliberately tried to keep his cool.

Agent: (In a very slow, cool and assuring tone) Ma’am, let me help you find you.

(Okay na sana ang voice tone, kaso sablay ang grammar. Hindi siguro hiyang. Haha!)

This was a classic example of an irate agent, not towards the caller but towards another agent.

Caller: I lost my wife.

Agent 1:You lost your cheques? I’ll transfer you to Refunds. (places caller on hold and transfers to Refunds Line)

Agent 2: Yes, Refunds.

Agent 1: Hi, I have a new claim.

Agent 2: Okay, transfer.

Agent 1 transfers the call

Agent 2: Hi sir, I’m from the Refunds Department and I was told that you lost your cheques.

Caller: What cheques? I said I lost my wife!

Agent 2: Arrgh! Stupid agent!

(After the call, Agent 2 decided to confront Agent 1. I don’t know how she did it, but all he could come up with at the end of their conversation was “I’m sorry sweetie.” Hehe!)

The next line is a staple during training classes for phone order-taking, where one of the payment options is thru a bank draft. This is a classic example in pronunciation.

Caller: How do I pay for the cheques?

Agent: We’ll be sending a bunk draft, oh, I mean a bank druft!

(How about a bunk druft? Haha!)

This was from a very sleepy agent, who I will not name for unknown reasons. She used to go by the name “Leslie” though. Hehe, sorry Tanichi!

Agent: Okay, just be reminded to call the bank prior to make sure that the cheques are available, fees are usually 1-4%, you may pay in cash or thru a debit to your account, and please wear a scarf if the cat is black.

(The first three instructions made sense, but wouldn’t I be able to buy the cheques if I don’t wear a scarf? Especially if I’m male? Hehe! Just asking!)

I had an Indian colleague whose name is Ernest Suryawanshi. Now, despite my annoyance to the accent, we actually turned out to be friends. However, this was a less than friendly encounter that occurred at the training room, which at the time was shared between my trainees and the agents who didn’t have room anymore at the operations area.

Ernest: Hey Adrian! May I take my shoes off?

Me: (surprised) Why?

Ernest: Because it was raining so hard and my feet got all wet.

Me: (without any authority in my voice, as if pleading) No man! Don’t do it, please.

Ernest, obviously irked, reported me to the Shift Manager, who had enough composure to tell him that my refusal to grant his wish was correct because it wasn’t hygienic to walk around at work barefoot. Whew!

hope, hope and away...

2008-12-25T16:05:00.002+08:00

I read a news article last week regarding a Pulse Asia survey saying that 8 out of 10 Filipinos, even in the face of a global economic crisis, remain hopeful that 2009 will be a better year for them. Even when the prices of basic commodities went up while wages did not, even when more and more OFWs are coming home after getting laid off from work, even when more and more employable workers are unable to find work here, and even when prospects of investing in our country are dim, more than 60 million of our roughly 80 million population continue to find a reason to look forward to a prosperous new year.

This speaks well of a Filipino quality that we are truly proud of, our being resilient. We have the capacity to bear tough times well. Unlike in the US and other countries, suicides here are still considered an oddity, meaning that even the darkest circumstances are not enough to force us to end our lives. For no matter what happens to us, we continue to remain hopeful that better times are still ahead of us. But could this virtue also serve to be our bane as people?

I hope I am getting this wrong, but my honest observation is that while we are able to survive even in the direst conditions, we exert too much of our efforts, thoughts and emotions on achieving that, causing us to lose focus on the possibility that life could offer us so much more than we currently have. Our resiliency leads to complacency. In our drive to merely survive, we lose the ability to live the best life that we can have.

I am not downplaying our trait of resiliency, for it is indeed an admirable strength of most Filipinos. However, I cannot hide my concern that this is causing us to be merely content in just getting by each day, perhaps so much that this is holding us back from striving for more comfortable lives.

I am not saying that we have stopped dreaming for a better future. On the contrary, Filipinos continue to nurture lofty dreams. But it seems that we are unwilling to put all our efforts to achieving those dreams. Maybe that is why so many of us are attracted to the lottery, gambling, and multi level marketing. We all seem to know where we want to go, but we have no idea how to get there.

It’s high time that we change our mindsets about this. There is no short route to the top. Honestly, it is actually better that way. As Thomas Paine said, “That which we obtain too easily, we esteem too lightly. It is dearness only which gives everything its value.”. We tend to appreciate more the things that we truly worked hard for.

It will take time, and much effort is needed to get where we want to be. It will not be easy, but with God’s help, we will get there. So let us continue to hope, not just for the sake of hoping, but because we believe that if we work hard enough, if we direct our efforts toward the fulfillment of our dreams, then everything is possible.

Bliss...

2008-12-23T10:43:00.001+08:00

Two days ago, my family went to Tagaytay to attend the wedding of a distant relative whom I had never seen before. I didn’t really want to go, for I felt that we were gate crashing a party as my father had not seen his relatives from Bicol in 4 decades. It would have made more sense if we had set a reunion first before we started attending their family occasions. However, I decided to accede to my father’s invitation as I had to make up for the times that I missed family activities as they coincided with church events. Besides, it was a chance for me to bond with my family at no expense.

It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was my first time to attend a Catholic wedding so my expectations weren’t really high. Well, I didn’t really pay much attention to the ceremony as I felt it took much longer than necessary. So while the wedding was going on, I just stayed outside the church and took some pictures with my sister and her boyfriend. It also allowed us to enjoy the cool Tagaytay air. A much better alternative to the prospect of boring ourselves in a mass we were not supposed to be a part of.

The reception was even better. It was held at Casablanca, a private resort that provided a beautiful view of Taal. It would have been the perfect venue had the sudden gusts of wind not broken some glasses and thrown napkins over the cliff. Other than that, everything in the reception showed that the newlyweds were well off and that they had prepared well for their special day. Sumptuous food from Josiah’s Catering, an exciting program from the wedding planner, talented wedding singers, in a way it helped me see clearly what my wedding reception should be like.

But everything paled in comparison to the newlyweds. I assume that they’re already in their 30s, older than the usual marrying age. They seemed to have been together for a long time before they decided to get married, but I don’t think I can see any other couple more in love than they are. Even the way their own families treated one another was an indication that they approve so much of the marriage.

What I witnessed on that day became memorable because it’s not that often nowadays that we see people entering married life for the right reasons. Some do so just because the girl got pregnant, others do it because they are forced into doing it. Instead of serving as a way into a blissful life, marriages are now becoming a way out of something else.

I am not writing this to criticize those who got married early, for age is not really a measure of how ready someone is for married life. But I lament the fact that many are not nearly ready for that life when they decide to say their “I do’s”, for instead of an exciting tomorrow starting their own family, couples are faced with a turbulent and unstable future just because they were not prepared.

Several times I have been asked the question, “Why are you not yet married?”. I am already 25 years old, and not a few of my friends and classmates already have their own families. It’s not really that I don’t want to commit myself to marriage. In fact, I often dream of that day when I start spending the rest of my days with someone else. But there are things that I have to make sure of before I even plan for my life as a husband and a father.

First, I have to be emotionally prepared, in the sense that I love the woman I’m marrying so much that I can only see my tomorrows with her. No doubts, no “what ifs”. I want to be fully certain that she is the one I’m destined to spend forever with. I also have to be ready to commit myself not only to her but to the marriage itself, for getting married would take a lot of adjustments, from my way of thinking to the activities that I do. Lastly, I don’t want to enter into marriage when I can’t even provide for my own needs. I owe it to my wife and the family that we will be starting. I should be financially capable to secure them a comfortable life.

The way things are going, I really couldn’t see myself getting married soon. But a lot of things can change in so little time. Who knows? Well, I’m not in too much a hurry, though. I’m giving myself three years. But if I could get myself ready sooner, and of course, assuming that I have already met the girl I’m bound to marry, why not? I might be sending out invitations as early as next year. Haha!

Tick tock, tick tock.....

2008-12-20T21:59:00.000+08:00

86400 ticks of the clock amount to a day. On the average, 28800 of these seconds (or 8 hours) are spent in sleeping. So, that gives most of us approximately 57600 precious seconds to spend on working, studying, playing around, reading, writing, contemplating, relaxing, and at times, doing nothing. And the amount of time we use in performing an activity somehow reflects how much we prioritize it. Now, as I make plans for the future, I look back and reflect on what I did in the past. Somehow, it crossed my mind to list down some things I did that took more than the usual amount of time to do. Some are very trivial, insignificant even, others may give a glimpse of how much I devote myself to something I set my attention to. Hope you’ll enjoy it!

The longest time…

…I spent on a phone conversation

7 hours, from 11:50 pm to 6:50 am. Thanks to Globe Unlimited Night Calls Promo. Haha! It was a great conversation, though. I don’t think I would have lasted that long if it wasn’t.

…I spent on a phone conversation at work

A little over an hour! Take an old lady already hard at hearing, a complicated situation regarding her travelers’ cheques and an agent already in a hurry to go home (having received the call just a few minutes before my shift was supposed to end), put them all together and what have you got? Well, that call really made my day then.

…it took me to finally blurt out the words I love you to a girl

A bit embarrassing, but it’s all behind me now. July 12, 2001, 2 pm, in one of the benches at the Sunken Garden. Everything was going my way except that I just couldn’t say the words. It took me three hours before I could finally say the three sweetest words. That was the most nervous moment of my life then.

…it took for me to finish reading a book

More than a thousand pages long, with more than a hundred chapters, “The Count of Monte Cristo” by Alexandre Dumas was a classic that normal people wouldn’t have attempted to read, especially if they had already watched the film adaptation. But I am not normal, and curiosity got the better of me, so for two weeks I devoted my free time from school just immersing myself in it. I didn’t regreit it. It was much better to read the book than to watch the movie. But I don’t think I will ever try to read it again. Hehe!

…it took for me to finish reading a book in one sitting

This is easy. No other book has elicited as much excitement from me as the “Harry Potter” series has. I got hooked after the fifth book was released. But though I also finished reading “Half Blood Prince” on the day of its release, the last book, “Deathly Hallows” was longer so it took me a few hours longer to finish it. It was July 21, 2007, and what made it more memorable was that it was also the birthday of my favorite nephew. He couldn’t even remember me being present at his party. Luckily for me, I had one picture taken with myself behind the celebrant as proof, afterwards, I retreated to my bedroom to continue reading. Hehe!

…I stayed awake

I’ve never been a fan of sleep deprivation, but there were instances when I had to keep awake as I had to go straight from work to a church activity that lasted a whole day. I wasn’t really able to keep track, but I’ve gone past 40 hours a few times already.

…I stayed awake on a trip

In December 2006, my friends and I went to Ilocos for a vacation. Sitting beside the driver, I had to force myself to keep awake the whole trip so the driver won’t feel sleepy as well. We left Manila at 10 pm and made it to Ilocos around 8 am, so that makes around 10 hours.

…I slept on a trip

In February 1999, I went to Isabela to compete in the National Schools Press Conference, a competition for high school journalists. Since I had examinations at school at the end of the week, I had to cut my stint short. Having nobody to talk to on the way home, (I was with my school paper adviser who I didn’t get along with), I slept all the way from Isabela to Cubao, a total of 12 hrs straight!

…I spent in the hospital

6 days, from October 15-20, 2007, because of Dengue Fever. It was the first (and hopefully the only) time that I got confined in the hospital. Other than having blood taken from me thrice a day, I found it a pleasant experience as a whole.

…I was absent from work

Two weeks! I still wasn’t completely recovered when I got out of the hospital, so I took my sweet time using this as an excuse (a valid one, nevertheless). I spent the week going out with my friends and catching up on things I wasn’t able to do when I was ill.

…I spent at work

I did a couple of double shifts in Etelecare. First one was 11pm-5pm and the next was 10pm-4pm. It’s not something I will recommend to anyone though.

…I spent on an examination

I guess the right answer for this would be my four-hour UPCAT back in July 1999. I dozed off, got excited, went hungry but didn’t eat (I couldn’t open my pack of Oreo cookies as the noise might distract other examinees. I am so naïve. Hehe!) before it was all over. My reward? A billiards game with my classmates after the exams.

…I spent on a speaking engagement

In October 2007, I committed to being the guest speaker at the KADIWA monthly meeting in Pasig. Unfortunately, I fell ill with Dengue Fever, so I had to beg off at the last minute. I rescheduled my stint to November, so on that day, I discussed two topics, one for each month. It took me almost an hour before I was able to end it. Got a little carried away, I guess. Hehe!

…I was shown on TV

Back in December 2006, I competed in Game KNB? Unfortunately, I lost to Matet de Leon in the Final Round, not having known much of Sharon Cuneta movies. It was disappointing, but very fun and exciting. I hope to go back there. Hehe!

…it took me to go down from a building

I don’t remember how long it took, but taking the stairs from 22^nd floor down definitely is much slower than riding on the elevator.

…I spent on the gym

I spent one hour running and cycling, one and a half hours lifting weights, another hour in the sauna and half an hour in the shower. Four hours of heaven. Hehe!

…I spent online

I’ve done a few instances of 14 hours straight when I had to man my shop alone. It’s not a great experience, though.

…I spent in the bathroom

90 minutes! Not out of vanity, though. I fell asleep while sitting on the toilet. Hehe!

…I sat through a meeting

April 2000, the first District Caucus I ever attended. It started at 9 am, then we took our lunch, and to my surprise, we had to go back. It ended at 4 pm, with me seriously reconsidering if I was going back the following week. I’m glad I did!

Look who's talking now...

2008-12-19T14:27:00.001+08:00

I remember posting the following words in my Multiply site a few months back, “Here I will store my thoughts, emotions and experiences, more out of my own need than for others’ satisfaction”. That was really my intent when I started this blog, to build a storage place of noteworthy ideas and memories, so that whenever I feel the need to look back at some important stages of my life, I’ll be able to recall the moment as vividly as possible.

I must admit that somehow, I also dreamed (actually, I still do) that my blog will be known among blog readers, that it will be read avidly by people other than my friends. I also hoped that by chance, this will pave the way for me to pursue a professional writing career.

But restarting this blog, writing everyday as I have been doing for a week already, and receiving comments and feedback even from people who I don’t know, has led me to realize one very important thing: I write for others more than for myself. For even if I continue to feel flattered whenever someone says that I write well, I find myself a lot more fulfilled when people say that they can relate to what I write.

It brought me as much happiness as I’ve had in recent weeks when I found out that I was able to make a daughter, mourning the passing of her mother, laugh out loud at my first attempt at writing a humorous piece. I was touched when even a stranger commented on what I wrote about betrayals and moving on, much more when I was asked by a friend to write on that topic, as if trusting that what I come up with will help her bear the pain she is feeling at the moment. I was fulfilled when another reader sent me a message saying that what I wrote inspired her in dealing with her own problems. I was glad when I was able to make someone cry after reading one of my earlier entries, as I had proven to myself that I can still move my readers’ hearts, even though I am just starting writing again.

My writing has also allowed me to reconnect with old friends. My high school English teacher commended me for my honesty and said that she was lucky to have known me. One of my closest friends in high school also left a note on one of my posts, surprising but all the more appreciated.

This has brought me a new sense of purpose. As long as I can help someone heal, help someone learn, help someone grow in faith and resolve, help someone believe that his dreams are possible, I will continue to write. I may not have the storytelling skills of JK Rowling, or the power to inspire his readers like Paulo Coehlo. I may not be able to provide deep insights to everyday matters like Robert Fulghum can, but as long as I can help someone become a better person with what I write, I will be the most fulfilled writer in the world.

I may not have excellent command of the vocabulary, but powerful messages do not always need powerful words to be transmitted. From Socrates’ “I know that I know nothing” to Descartes’ “Cogito, ergo sum” (“I think, therefore, I am”) to Barack Obama’s “Yes, we can!” , history is rich with very simple words weaved together to form phrases that will forever be recounted by many others.

That is what I attempt to do as I write, for my very ordinary words to find their place in other people’s hearts. Even when the time comes that I cease to live, my writings will serve as proof that I have lived my life well.

I believe that everyone was gifted with a medium with which to express his thoughts and emotions in the best way. Some are able to speak eloquently, others can compose songs. Some are talented in visual arts, they can translate whatever they think and feel into drawings and paintings. I believe I have found my gift.

Writing has become both a privilege and a responsibility for me. A privilege to influence other people’s lives, at the same time a responsibility to remain true to what I write and continue to be the person I portray myself to be through my writings. I hope to bear these with dignity and integrity.

Thank you for calling.....

2008-12-18T10:29:00.002+08:00

I am currently looking for a job, and since I wasn’t able to graduate from college, plus the fact that I had already spent more than three years in the industry, the most sensible decision for me would be to go back to being a call center employee. And so, before I put on a headset again and start taking in calls after an almost one year break, let me recall the times when in spite of all the stress, I was able to get a good laugh out of being a call center agent.

On my first week:

Me: Do the signatures match?

Caller: No

Me: (caught off guard as I had to deviate from the spiel). Oh, how unmatching? (Huh?) I mean, how different are the signatures?

Another call during my first week:

Caller: I need the number for the Gift Cards Department.

Me: Ok here it is. 1-8xx-xxxxxxx.

Caller: I already called that number, but nobody’s answering.

Me: (caught off guard again) It must be that they’re receiving a high volume of calls at the moment. Perhaps you can call them back mga 30 minutes from now. (Nag estimate lang, nag-Tagalog na. Hehe!)

Well, those were very minor slips. Besides, I was still very new then, so I was still somehow nervous. But as time went on, the slips became major lapses, and I can offer no excuses. Here it goes:

While talking to an Indian:

Caller: My name is ……….

Me: Sir I didn’t get that, could you spell that for me please? (how polite. Hehe!)

Caller: That’s P for ….(he was using Indian words to phonetically spell his name, ergo, I could still not understand him)

Me: (already irate, shouting for all the other agents to hear) SIR, COULD YOU SPELL THE WHOLE WORLD TO ME? (oops, world daw oh. Haha!)

Fellow Agent: Whole world? Hirap nun ah!

Another Indian caller:

Me: May I have your complete address?

Caller: Okay that’s 14 oblique 2 oblique 21…..

Me: (flaunting my knowledge of Math) Sir is that oblique as in the angle?

Caller: No, no, no that’s 14 oblique 2 oblique 21….

Me: (a little irritated) Is that oblique as in O-b-l-i-q-u-e?

Caller: No, oblique, oblique, oblique!

Me: (already frustrated) Sir, what the hell is OBLIQUE?

Fellow Agent: Tanga, slash yun sa mga Bumbay.

Me: (the truth dawns on me, so I return to my usually polite tone) Thank you so much for that information sir!

The next one is not a blooper, but is nonetheless funny:

Caller: (With an unmistakably Indian accent) My name is……….

Me: And where do you live?

Caller: I live in London

Me: I mean, where do you permanently reside?

Caller: As I said, in London. Can’t you notice by my accent?

Me: (having another attack of my brutal honesty) No sir.

Enough of the Indians, the next two are perfect examples that you should choose your words carefully when you try to make small talk with your callers.

Caller: My name is ……. Bowen.

Me: (clearly thinking of the singer David Bowie) So that is Bowen, like David Bowen?

Caller: What?

Me: uhm, nevermind.

This one is very awkward:

Caller: (who is already more than 70 yrs old) I am from Calgary, Alberta.

Me: (unable to hide excitement as my childhood idol, Bret Hart, hails from there) Oh ma’am, that’s where Bret Hart lives right?

Caller: yeah, why?

Me: He’s my favorite wrestler. Are you a fan of his?

What ensued was a weird conversation about wrestling. Imagine discussing the topic with your grandmother and you’ll understand why.

I’m saving the best for last, but again, this is not a blooper on my part. But this is the ultimate example of a stressful situation turned into a humorous call.

Ross (a new German agent): Hi Adrian, I have a new claim.

Me: Okay, go ahead and transfer. Thanks!

Ross does a cold transfer, meaning he transfers the caller directly to me without conferencing the call so he could introduce me to the caller.

Me: Yes hi, this is Adrian from the Refunds Department….

Caller: Shalom, shalom!!!

Me: I’m sorry?

Caller: Shalom, shalom!

Me: You speak Hebrew?

Caller: Yes, yes!

Me: (mutes the phone so the caller couldn’t hear me) Damn! Who transferred the Hebrew new claim? It’s gonna kill my AHT (average handling time)!!!

This was a pretty upsetting situation for agents who are gunning for a promotion as language calls take forever. Nevertheless, I did my duty and dialed for a Hebrew Interpreter, whose name is Yousef David.

Me: What is the claimant’s name?

Interpreter: (with a very thick accent) That’s ………, spelled as M like Mastercard, A like the second letter of Mastercard, S like the third letter of Mastercard. K for knowledge, A for abc….(he went on spelling like that for the whole call)

After the call, during which I had a few laughs because of the interpreter’s skills in phonetic spelling, I stood up to confront Ross (I didn’t know who he was as he was still new). So I walked around the floor, asking for him. When I located him, I saw a very pale, thin, middle aged man. Losing my resolve to teach him the ropes in a way he would never forget (I’m so mean. Haha!), I put a hand on his shoulder and gently said, “Kuya, next time po kapag Foreign Language Call, huwag niyo po muna transfer agad sa Refunds. Tawag po muna kayo sa PAC para makapag assign sila ng tatanggap ng tawag.”

These are just some, but these are the only ones I can remember as of now. Better put it in writing, or else I’ll forget these light moments completely. In times like these when I seem short on humor, a few laughs are very welcome. Haha!

Of betrayals and deceptions, healing and moving on...

2008-12-17T14:03:00.000+08:00

I was supposed to write about something else but a friend who is going through an emotionally difficult time asked me to write about this instead. I initially wanted to refuse, as this is a very touchy issue for me, having experienced being betrayed by someone I used to love so much. But as I thought more about doing it, the more it made sense to me. And who am I to refuse a simple request from someone who may need this to help herself heal? So to you my friend, you know who you are, I hope this makes you feel better.

I am no novice when it comes to relationships, and most of my female friends usually come to me for advice whenever they have love problems. However, there is one thing that until now I cannot fully understand and accept, and the more I hear about this being done to someone I know, the question remains unanswered: Why do people betray those who love them?

I remember back then when I used to flinch when I hear of stories of betrayed lovers exacting revenge against those who offended them. I used to wonder why people go to such extent to get back at those who caused them pain. Couldn’t they just lick their wounds and move on? It was only until I myself became a victim that I understood.

It was the most painful thing that could ever happen to a lover. It’s worse than unrequited love, much worse than not being able to work out the relationship because of personal differences. To use the word painful doesn’t even do justice to what I felt at the time. It was more like emotional cancer, sometimes you get numbed, sometimes the pain strikes you when you least expect it, and the worst of it all, you don’t know if you’ll come out of it alive.

Just imagine this. You are already planning for your future with that person and all of a sudden you find out that she is already planning her future with someone else. Imagine working so hard and trying to earn as much as you could so you can prepare yourself for that future and while you are doing that, the person that you love is sharing intimate moments with someone else. Just imagine wanting to intentionally hurt the person just to give her an idea of how much pain she caused you, but you cannot do it because you still love the person and you can’t bring yourself to hurt her.

How does one get past all of these? I don’t think I can give a definite answer as we have our own ways of healing. But let me share how I dealt with it, and hopefully, this can help those who are going through this pain.

First, I prayed a lot. I prayed to God to help me control my feelings, I asked Him to turn my hate to forgiveness. I asked Him to serve His justice to those who did me wrong, for He alone is just. I asked Him to help me forgive myself, I prayed to Him to help me become a stronger and a much better person. In turn, I performed my church duties with much more passion and dedication. I entrusted myself to God, with all my faith I believed that good things were bound to come out of all that happened.

I forgave myself. At first I went too hard on myself. I thought that maybe if I had spent more time with her, maybe if I had put in more effort to our relationship, maybe if I had been more expressive of my love for her, she wouldn’t have been unfaithful. But I realized that if someone is not contented with who you are and how much you can offer her, no matter what you do, she would still turn out that way.

I loved myself more. I must admit that being betrayed in a relationship hurt my self confidence as well. For a time I wondered if I could trust another girl again. I actually considered not courting those who are too attractive. I asked myself what I could offer if I was to love again, when who I was then was not nearly enough for the person I love to stay with me. But slowly, I rediscovered things about myself that made me realize again that I am still special. It took time, but it helped a lot in my healing when I was able to do that.

I opened myself up more to others. It wasn’t easy, especially since guys who are betrayed in a relationship are often viewed by society as somewhat soft, lacking masculinity. But I swallowed my pride, though I still chose carefully the people to whom I gave the full account of events. It was a good feeling, being able to release the pain. More importantly, when I was rejected by the one I loved, I was accepted wholeheartedly by those who love me so much, my family and my friends.

I forgave her. Difficult as it was, I knew I had to before I could move on with my life. It helped that I concentrated on the good times that we spent with each other, for we definitely had a happy relationship before everything went wrong. I believed that she used to love me as much as I loved her, that she was just weak and that was why she was forced into a situation she didn’t really want to be in. It doesn’t justify what she did. Nothing will ever make it right. But trying to see things from her perspective definitely made it easier for me to accept everything.

I looked forward to the future. By coming out of everything a much better person, I know that better things are in store for me. By keeping my faith in God, I know for sure that He will reward me for holding on to Him when times were tough. By being closer to my loved ones, I am certain that they will be beside me again the next time I am in pain. By loving myself more, I am sure that the time will come when I will meet the one who will deserve my love and whose love I deserve. I am definitely looking forward to that.

I am much better now. 

Unforgettable...

2008-12-16T13:02:00.000+08:00

If I were to ask you to identify a scene, from a very ordinary day in your life, that left its mark on you, what would that be? Asking myself that question, I would have a difficult time answering, for there are many of them. But this definitely will be one of the candidates.

I was spending time with my then-girlfriend at the Marikina Riverbanks. We bought some chips and soda and sat on one of the benches there, then passed the time talking about just anything that two people in love would normally talk about. We talked about our relationship, our families, and our dreams for the future. Nothing unusual, nothing special. Just another day of unwinding for us. Then we noticed that the sun was already setting, a signal that we had to leave soon, as I had to get her home to Antipolo and take another one and a half hour trip home to Pateros. It was then that a child beggar came up to us and asked for alms. As compassionate as I would like to think that I am, I hadn’t developed the habit of giving money for alms. Since we still had some leftover chips (we even had one bag of Piattos unopened), we gave some to the boy. What struck me most was what happened next. The boy called another child (perhaps his sister) and passed on all we gave him to her. He didn’t even bother getting some for his own! I was so touched by what he did that I beckoned him to us and gave the rest of our snacks.

Looking back, I wish I had done more. Perhaps I could have asked for his name, how old he is, what brought him there, what his dreams are. But words had failed me. It was a very pleasant surprise to see someone giving even when he had really nothing to give. He was no older than 8 years old based on his looks. And yet, he was already taking care of his younger sister (I assume) in ways that even older boys do not. No other act as simple as that had left me as impressed and amazed.

In my subsequent visits to the place, I kept wishing that the boy would come up to me again. But there was no way I could remember his face, so even if I did see him during my next trips there, I wouldn’t have been able to identify him. I sometimes wonder what has happened to him and his sister since. Are they better off now? Are they back in school? Or are they already too engrossed in the perils of their world that they are now the same as other streetchildren? I must remember to include them in my prayers, especially the boy, for people as good as he is deserve something more out of this world. I hope you’ll pray for them too.

On an empty stomach...

2008-12-15T13:29:00.004+08:00

>=<: Who are you?

>==<: I am Adrian Martinez

>=<: I asked who you are, I didn’t ask for your name. Now, who are you?

>==<: I am 24 yrs. old, a BS Mathematics Undergraduate, a church youth leader and a struggling entrepreneur.

>=<: I didn’t ask how old you are and what you do in life. I asked who you are.

>==<: I am 5’11”, I weigh 178 lbs. Dark complexion. Asymmetric face caused by Bell’s palsy, big round eyes, pointed nose and receding hairline caused by genetics and too much gel. Nevertheless, I think (biased or objectively, I do not know) that I’m fairly good looking.

>=<: I did not ask about your physical attributes, I asked who you are.

>==<: I am a product of second marriages, the fifth child and only son to my mother, and 7th child to my father. All in all, I have 3 half-brothers, 5 half-sisters and an older sister.

>=<: I did not ask for your family background. I asked who you are.

>==<: Okay, okay. I am not perfect. I find it hard to be happy and contented most of the time. I have difficulty exerting my best efforts in things I am not passionate about. I have trouble expressing my love and appreciation for the people who are important to me. I sometimes lose control of my temper. I am sometimes enslaved by bad habits. I hate it when people judge me wrongly, especially when it comes to my intellect and my upbringing. I sometimes cannot easily forgive those who have done me harm. I am uncomfortable, and most of the time, unable to strike up a sensible conversation with a complete stranger. I struggle to blend in a new crowd; I’d rather be out of place than try to squeeze myself in. I have trouble remembering people’s names. I have difficulty maintaining contact with all the people who have been a part of my life.

>==<: Despite all these, I like to believe that I am a genuinely good person. I am capable of loving so much that I put the welfare of the people I love over my own. I am a true friend, always willing to listen and help out to those in need. I usually give sound advice because I always try to see things objectively. I believe in the equality of all men. I always try to see the best in people. I exert my best effort in doing things that I love doing. I am an honest person, sometimes too much for my own good. I am never embarrassed of everything about me. Through numerous heartbreaks I am still willing to love and risk being hurt again. Through all my failures and setbacks, I am still hopeful and motivated to attain a better life. In spite of everything, my faith in God remains strong, perhaps even stronger. Does that answer your question?

>=<: Close enough. :)

>==<: Great! Now I can eat! :)

Daydreaming....

2008-12-13T22:11:00.000+08:00

I wish to meet the one that God has set aside for me to spend the rest of my days with. I wish for the years of waiting and searching to finally come to a fruitful end. I wish to know the woman who I will love more than life itself. From that day on until I cease to live, she will be part of all dreams and plans that I make.

I wish to see her image clearly whenever I think of the day when I’ll get married, of the time when I’ll already have children, of every morning I’ll wake up with her beside me.

I wish to find her who would love me for all the man that I am, for all my strengths and weaknesses, for all my triumphs and failures, for all my virtues and my faults. For her I will strive to be the best that I can be, not because she asks of it, but because I know she deserves nothing less than my best.

I wish to be with her who deserves me as much as I deserve her. I will stay in her life as deeply as she stays in mine. I will love her and everything that’s important to her. She will be in my thoughts as constantly as my heart beats. I will do whatever it takes to keep her happy and secure with me.

I will protect her from anything that means her harm. I will help relieve her of all the things that burden her. I will hear her out whenever she needs someone to listen. I will exert all my effort to prove how special she is to me.

I have gone through my own share of heartbreaks, and I have unfortunately caused heartbreaks to others as well. But I believe that everything happens for good reason, and those things occurred to help me prepare for a lasting relationship. I believe I am ready for that now, and I pray with all my heart that my 7^th will be forever.

For some reason I hope that I have already met her. As slim as my chances are, nothing is impossible. I’ll just keep praying then. If its not her, then the one will soon arrive.

Looking forward to next year...

2008-12-12T16:12:00.002+08:00

19 days to the end of the year and I cannot wait for 2009 to arrive. This year has not been as good for me as I hoped it would be. I will not admit that this was my worst year yet, but I will not deny the fact that 2008 was full of setbacks for me. I am so far from where I should be at this stage of my life. But I never gave up, and no matter how bad this year has turned out for me, I have more than enough reasons to remain hopeful that I can get back on track soon. And so, I am listing a few things that I plan to do and hope to happen to me in 2009.

With God’s help and guidance, I will continue to lead the KADIWA organization in my district. We have already laid out our plans for the next year, from major district events to implementing processes aimed at strengthening the locale officers. I am optimistic that we can continue to build on the successes of our recent activities.
I will start saving up again for the future. I am way behind now, but I intend to do this by maintaining a stable job, at the same time starting a new business with my friends. We plan to venture into events management, as we realized our potential to organize big events during our church activities. I also plan to open another business that will most likely give a stable everyday income, like a food stall.
If I can already afford it, I’ll have my parents retire by taking over our store. While they are still significantly strong for their age, the work they’re putting in has been taking its toll on them. I plan and hope for my parents to enjoy old age with their health still intact.
I plan to be healthier myself. I will maintain a weight between 170-180 lbs, but with less fat on my belly and more mass on my muscles. I’m not getting any younger, it’s not getting easier to achieve a six-pack. Haha! I will play more basketball, badminton and by midyear, I will go back to the gym.
I will expand my horizon. I will continue to write more, at least once a week I will compose a blog post. It doesn’t matter what my topic will be, it could be my experiences or my opinions on just about anything. I will seriously consider the offer to be part of the newscast in our church’s TV network, and once I commit myself to it, I will do everything to excel in the field.
I am going to dispose of bad habits. My tardiness, my excuses, half hearted efforts are threats against my ambitions. I have to find ways to be rid of these.
I will devote more effort and time for the improvement of the welfare of our brethren who are incarcerated in NBP. The visits I have made there in the past two months have a profound effect on me. I want to give something back to show my appreciation.
I pray and hope to meet the woman I will spend the rest of my life with. While I may already have met her (and I fervently hope so), I wish that I will be fully aware of that next year. God-willing, I will enter into a relationship with her. I have no plans to get married yet, but it’s always a good feeling to be in love and be loved in return. Besides, I wish to spend enough time first with her before we start spending the rest of our lives together. I already have someone in mind, but right now, the chances that she is that woman are slim, and this is all I can say about this or I will give myself away already.

I am aware of the possibility that not all of these will happen, and by some shrewd luck, none of these may even be realized. But listing these things down and posting them for anyone to see gives me some motivation, and more importantly, commitment. With God’s help, and enough work on my part, I will achieve all these things.

How do I write when I'm not inspired?

2008-05-16T22:38:00.002+08:00

Ever since I was in high school, I have taken pride in being able to write (in my own, biased opinion) some pieces of better than the average literature. Aside from that, I was able to produce my best works at the fastest times. There is a hitch, however. I was only capable of writing well whenever I was inspired. When I had no other reason to write besides I had to, my work was as good as ready for the trash bin.

This is the challenge that I want to overcome. To write well inspite of the lack of inspiration. To make good use of paper and ink (though in my case now, it's keyboard and screen) even if I sometimes can't find it in my heart to continue.

For writing is in many ways the same as living. We commit our best and most memorable acts whenever we have compelling reasons to do so. We transcend our usual capabilities whenever we are inspired beyond the ordinary.

But there are times when we just can't motivate ourselves enough. There are instances in which we continue to do our tasks just because we have to. But then again, this does not mean that we have to lose our desire to live.

I learned that we should not wait for inspiration before we go to work. We have to work first, and continue to press ourselves even when we are not motivated. Before we know it, inspiration will come to us.

I wish..

2008-05-15T22:24:00.004+08:00

.. that I have a vocabulary rich enough that I can easily find the right words to depict what I think and feel at the moment.
.. that I can be as good a writer as I was before (or even better), so I can easily convey what I want to say to anyone.
.. that life would be as simple as it had been when my biggest problem was if I got perfect scores in my exams.
.. that I understand every part of God's plan for me.
.. that by wiping away the tears in my mother's eyes, her pain subsides as well.
.. that I can give a better life to my parents just like that.
.. that friends remain so in spite of the distance and the lack of time.
.. that everyone realizes his/her purpose of living before it's too late.
.. that we can always see the glass half full rather than half empty.

But I understand enough of life to just wish for these things to happen.

- I can work on being a better writer, with practice, I know I will be.

- To try to make life as simple as it was when I was a child, when complexity comes with the passing of years, is a sign of immaturity and unpreparedness for life as it should be.

- God's wisdom is not revealed to us until we need to realize it. That is why we have to have faith, so we can believe in things that are sometimes beyond our comprehension.

- We have to work hardest for the things that we want the most. So we will never take them for granted when we already have them.

- We need someone else to help us learn the most important lessons in life. That is why I write, to help others learn these things, for I also had other people help me learn these.

Expecto Patronum

2008-05-14T13:57:00.012+08:00

Right now, I'm only producing silvery vapour, just enough to keep the dementors at bay but unable to get rid of them. I need to think of happy thoughts, I have to look back to those moments when it seemed to me that life here on earth is almost as good as life would be in heaven.

Hope combats despair, faith struggles against helplessness. Whichever is stronger will win in the end. But if hope and faith come up short, I know I will still triumph. Love will see me through this.

It's not going to be easy. To continue to seek the light amidst the darkness, to work for a better future in the face of all hopelessness, to strive for a happier life in spite of all sadness. But I know that in due time, my corporeal Patronus will charge towards the dementors and send them away.

I cannot give up. Not now. Not ever.

"You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs"

2008-05-07T22:08:00.003+08:00

I am not a fan of this statement, written by Ayn Rand in her profoundly philosophical book, "The Fountainhead". However, I cannot deny the fact that there are times when this quote seems to fully depict what's happening in our lives.

We have to be broken before we can become whole again. Things have to get worse before they can get better. We have to see through the darkest of nights so we can glimpse the most beautiful sunrise. We have to admit our weaknesses, and only by then can we realize our true strengths.

Stones have to be chiseled as a masterpiece is sculpted. Canvasses dirtied with paint and pieces of crumpled paper surround an artist's and a writer's best works.

And so it is with our lives.

This is not the easiest way to bec0me a better person. But as long as this helps me become who I aspire to be, I have no reason to complain.

" The Greatest Battles in Life are fought out daily within the silent chambers of the soul."

2008-04-18T14:13:00.006+08:00

I came across this line a few years back, when I was still in college. But the truth in this statement will be forever etched in my heart.

For the most important, most crucial struggles that we encounter in our lives, those that define the person that we eventually become, are those that happen within us. Our bouts against depression and our fears, against despair and hopelessness, with choosing between what’s easy and what’s right, between loving in spite of the pain and denying ourselves the chance to feel the kind of love that makes any amount of pain bearable.

While it is true that each life has at least one turning point, the events that we cite as turning points are only catalysts. They are only made important by how we deal with them, and how we deal with things is determined wholly by how and what we are inside.

Trust me, I should know. I have been waging a war for quite some time now. And while what I'm going through right now has weakened me from time to time, I will never lose hope. For I know that someday, somehow, these things will come to pass, and I will emerge a much better and stronger person, guided by Him to whom everything is possible.

I believe...

2008-03-15T22:11:00.004+08:00

...that all men were created equal. My strengths may be your weaknesses, in the same way that your strengths may be my own weaknesses.

...that most of the conflicts in this world could have been and could still be avoided if only we appreciate what we were given and stop envying others for what was given them.

...that God makes his presence felt through anything, at anytime. It is our challenge, however, to observe that presence, and allow it to make a difference in our lives.

...that life, imperfect though it may be, should be lived vigorously as though better days are always ahead of us.

...that we live by the choices that we make, that it is the height of irresponsibility to blame others for our misfortunes and failures.

...that we are not entirely responsible for our successes, that in everything that we were able to do, a higher power guided our way.

...that while most of us try to make the best out of our lives, there is another life that we should exert all our efforts to prepare ourselves for. A life without pain, suffering nor death.

...that while we have been given free will, there is a path that God wants us to tread on, and our chances of living beyond death depends on how much we committed ourselves to walking that path

...that we are accountable for all our thoughts, emotions and actions. Circumstances may influence us, but in the end, it is our own decision to be who we become.

...that while the life that we live here will come to an end, we can transcend this life by leaving our imprints, which will help others live better lives.

That is what I hope to do.