The Sun Always Shines After the Rain

I sometimes lament the fact that so many things in my life didn’t go the way I planned them. If most of them had, I would have finished BS Mathematics at the Ateneo, and by now I would be working for the Asian Development Bank, saving money to build a house and for married life.

Instead, I ended up as a call center agent, where I toiled for three years, moving up the ranks and saving enough money to start my own business. It would have been a nice alternative had the business not failed miserably that I am now selling of my computer units. To make matters worse, I resigned from work so I could open the business, and for more than a year, job offers were few and far in between. I did not accept any of them, as I resented starting all over again in the call center industry and being paid much lower than what I was already earning by the time I resigned.

I took a lot of missteps along the way, either by making the wrong decisions or not doing enough to make my decisions right. It was easier to get frustrated and blame everyone else, instead of owning up to my mistakes and recognizing the fact that not everything will really go my way.

Not a few times, I was on the verge of giving up, but I realized that doing so will not make things better. My dreams are bigger than my failures, and my faith is greater than my struggles. I decided that while there are many things that can take me down, for I am as vulnerable as anyone else, nothing will keep me down, for I will always get back up.

I have gone through so many hardships in my life, especially in the past year. But I appreciate the fact that I experienced all those things, because I was able to test the strength of my character and my resolve. And I am pleased with the results, for the worst times have brought out the best in me. If I was able to remain hopeful and positive even when there was nothing but darkness around me, I can only imagine how much more I could be now that specks of light are starting to brighten my surroundings.

I do not believe in luck, but I know that everything can change in an instant. And for me, that moment was when I decided that I will beat the odds and continue pursuing my dreams. I’ve just signed a job offer from a financial research firm that would pay me more than what I received from my previous employer, and I am also accepting writing tasks that would help me improve my skills as a writer. Aside from that, I am now undergoing training to be part of my church’s newscast as a correspondent.

I am very happy with these developments, but I know that there will still be roadblocks along the way. But I am sure that I will never back down anymore from any challenge, I can take on anything that life will put me through, for I am guided and assisted by Him who wants nothing but the best for me. Things are finally starting to look up.

Goodbye, cruel world…

Hell no, I am not about to commit suicide. Fact is, for the life of me, I cannot understand why some choose to snuff their own lives just because they failed in school or were rejected by someone they love. Neither am I terminally ill, although I’ve just realized that it’s been two years since my last check-up, so I’d never really know, right?

I used to be so afraid of death when I was growing up. I feared it so much that when I was around 7 years old, there was a time when I woke up in the middle of the night crying and asking my mother if I would live again if I die. Well, of course, she said yes, and I recall telling her that if I would be born again I wish to be an American. Haha! And when I heard about reincarnation, I almost wanted to convert to Hinduism, not knowing that reincarnation meant existing in another form. Heck, I would never wish to become a plant in my next life. Haha! I was so ignorant back then.

I was so afraid of the thought of dying that if I were a Hogwarts student, I am certain what form the boggart would take when Professor Lupin opened the wardrobe. (I just gave proof of my addiction to Harry Potter. Haha!)

But in the last couple of years, I have come to accept the fact that death is as much a part of us as life itself. That no matter how we try, it remains inescapable, inevitable. And no matter what anyone else thinks, I believe that the end of our lives had been marked even before we were born.

In the book “Veronika Decides to Die”, Paulo Coelho wrote that “the awareness of death makes one live life more intensely”. This truth became apparent to me a couple of years ago on two separate occasions where I came as close to dying as I ever had since I was a small boy.

In August 2007, during a medical check up for a clearance to play in our company’s basketball tournament, my blood pressure shot up to 180/120. It was abnormally high, especially that I was not manifesting symptoms of hypertension. I felt perfectly normal, and the doctor told me that I could have collapsed any time without much of a warning. Though my life was not in immediate danger, I know of stories of people collapsing due to high blood pressure and not regaining their consciousness. It was the first time that I fully realized that I could just drop dead at any moment. When my time is up, there’s nothing else I could do.

I recovered in a few days, and in the 17 months that has passed since then, my blood pressure has always been at a lot more normal 120/80.

Two months after that, I contracted Dengue Fever and was confined in the hospital for the first time in my life. My life wasn’t really threatened, though one of the two doctors who attended to me already wanted to transfuse me after my platelet count crashed to 30, from the normal level of 144.The other doctor, Dra. Tayzon of Infectious Diseases (she was the one who broke the news to Pia Magalona that FrancisM had leukemia), was more lenient. She decided to wait if my platelet count would go down to the 20s, though she also said that if I was already suffering from abdominal pains, then I would have to be transfused immediately because it means I was already hemorrhaging. The thing was, when the doctor visited me in the morning and pinched my abdominals to check if I felt pain, I had to sum up all my courage and composure to tell her I wasn’t hurt. I don’t really know how and why I did it, but I really just wanted to get out of the hospital soon enough. I felt any additional treatment done on me would prolong my stay there. And as cozy as the hospital is, I sure didn’t like the feeling of being sick and seemingly helpless. Looking back, it was a foolish decision; I could have died bleeding from the inside. What a bloody mess that would have been. Haha!

Nevertheless, there was one thing I realized from that episode. I had lost my fear of dying. My time in the hospital allowed me to contemplate and accept the fact that death is part of all of us. That no matter how strong I was, nor how young I was, I was as vulnerable to death as the next man. And to deny this enormous truth will only make it more difficult for us once that moment comes. But do not confuse this as resignation and surrender. For me, this acceptance allowed me to want to live my life more, because I am aware of the chances that at any time, everything will end. That is why I fought, that is why I refused to receive more treatments, because I wanted to will myself to live. There are so many things I still want to do with and to happen in my life. Again, a stupid decision, but it was another proof that if it’s not yet our time, then it’s not yet our time.

But there is one thing that strikes in me at least a little fear when I think of dying, and that is the possibility of not being able to say goodbye. I am not a very thoughtful person, and most of the time I am not able to fully express my love for the people who I value. I just don’t want to leave with the people special to me feeling that I loved them less than I really do. When I think of a way of dying, I actually keep on wishing that I would know in advance when it would happen, and I also don’t want to suffer too much before it happens. Not unlike a character from Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ “One Hundred Years of Solitude”, wherein she knew that she was going to die that night, bade the people goodbye and just went to sleep.

Terminally ill patients are given a lot of time to say goodbye, but they suffer too much pain from it. There are those who die painlessly, but the suddenness of their deaths deprived them of a chance to say farewell. If there was a way to die without suffering but also knowing way before when you would die, I guess I want to take that route.

But not all wishes are granted, and that is why I’m writing these words for the following people:

To my parents, I may not say this often, but I love you much more than I love myself. I wish I had made you proud, and I hope to be around long enough to fulfill every promise I made to you ever since I was a child. But if time runs out on me, please know that I did my best to secure for you the comforts that you deserve.

To my sisters, please take care of our parents. We may not be the tightest knit family that there could ever be, but I know that we are one when it matters the most.

To my nephews and nieces, you are the closest thing to children that I have. Please know that I love you all as much as I would love my own child.

To my friends, you know who you are. Thank you so much for everything. The fun times, the difficult times, the sorrows, the laughter. I will miss you all. I hope you celebrate my life more than you mourn my passing.

To all the girls I loved before (Barry Manilow?Haha!), thank you for sharing the best feeling in the world with me. I have learned a lot from all of you.

To those who treat me as their enemy, I have forgiven all of you. If I had offended or hurt you in one way or another, please forgive me. Be assured that I will never haunt you, there are no such things as imprints of a departed soul. Haha!

Of course I don’t want to have to say these words for a very long time, I still want to raise a family, start my own business, write books, have six pack abs, walk my daughter/s down the aisle and so many more. But just in case, then at least I was able to say au revoir. :)

after a decade minus a year...

I cried when they refused to open the second envelope.

I still remember how the events were captured on TV. From the senators explaining their vote, to the disappointment in Supreme Court Chief Justice Hilario Davide's face as he announced the results, to the walk out by the Prosecution Team headed by then- Congressmen Sonny Belmonte and Joker Arroyo, to the infamous celebratory dance of then Senator Tessie Aquino- Oreta while Senate President Franklin Drilon and Senator Loren Legarda, overcome with emotion, were crying at the platform.

I will never forget how I felt at the time. I was transfixed at the TV set, unable to comprehend this blatant show of disrespect for the Filipino people. I could not fathom why these elected officials chose to keep something so important from the people who put them in their posts, just to protect a President accused of receiving kickbacks from illegal gambling.

I remember sitting in front of my computer and trying to write about it then, but my emotions got the better of me and I was unable to string my thoughts together. I so wanted to go outside and join demonstrations then, but my religion disallows active participation in politics, except for voting during elections, in which we vote as a bloc. So, as a show of my displeasure at what transpired that night, I decided to wear black to school the next day, in mourning of the “death of democracy”.

I was not the only one.

Lined up along Katipunan Ave. were hundreds of Ateneans not only wearing black, but also holding up placards to show their contempt of the Senate’s decision. More demonstrations followed, with the majority converging at EDSA Shrine. Students and professionals, businessmen and office workers, people from almost all walks of life came together and resolved not to leave EDSA until President Estrada leaves office. Democracy had never been more alive when it was supposed to be “dead”.

Almost 9 years have passed since that historic moment. However, instead of celebrating the anniversary of the triumph of another “People Power Revolution”, it seems that many are now lamenting the fact that it had happened in the first place. We had traded one corrupt government for a much more mischievous administration. Erap’s jueteng payouts actually looks like a petty crime compared to the accusations being hurled at the present administration.

Election cheating and the Garci scandal. Fertilizer Fund Scam. ZTE Broadband Deal. North Rail Project. These are just a few of the controversies that PGMA and her cohorts seem to have wiggled their way out of, more because the public has already stopped caring than because the public was convinced of their innocence.

Democracy was very much alive during EDSA Dos, but we knew that it is not supposed to happen again. It had raised doubts in our maturity as a nation, and to try to remove a third President out of the last five that served the country would make our nation a butt of jokes in the international scene for years and decades to come.

The present administration has exploited this fact. It has become so complacent that it can do anything it wishes to do and the Filipino people will not even put up a fight. Our love for our country is being used as a tool against us. When we cannot afford for other countries to stop taking us seriously, it is our own “leaders” who are laughing at us, with more and more money going into their pockets.

An official trip to the US for administration Congressmen just days before a Pacquiao fight? That was coincidental. A plain ‘sorry’ for the call made to Commissioner Garcillano, supposedly to protect her votes in Lanao Province? That was really innocent. An allocation for Fertilizer Funds even for City Mayors who won’t have much need for fertilizers except for their own backyards? That was the best way to spend taxpayer’s money.

I am not unintelligent, but I have become almost indifferent. At least it has been a good thing for me. I am able to vote during elections without any question why I am voting for the person whose name I am writing on the ballot. But if there are more and more people becoming like me, then it’s not a good sign for our country.

I remember back in 2002, during a symposium of students from all over Luzon, a question was posed to then Congressman Miguel Zubiri, on what it will take for the country to rise again. He shared the same theory as I did. We need a leader, who people will listen to and who will listen to the people as well, who people will trust, who will always serve the best interests of the people. More like a Mahatma Gandhi. Or perhaps in more recent history, more like a Barack Obama.

I don’t see anyone in our political scene who is even close to that. It seems that our politicians are always either administration or opposition, no one seems to want to unite, everyone seems to want to divide. And as more and more of this goes on, the less and less the public’s interest in politics is turning out to be.

I cried when they refused to open the second envelope. I don’t think I would even turn on my TV if that was happening now. I would probably just play NBA Live.

Too much fuss about sorry…

On December 22, 2008of “Global Filipino: The Authorized Biography of Jose de Venecia Jr., the Visionary Five-Time Speaker of the House of Representatives of the Philippines,”of “Global Filipino: The Authorized Biography of Jose de Venecia Jr., the Visionary Five-Time Speaker of the House of Representatives of the Philippines,”, the biography of former House Speaker Jose de Venecia was launched in an event held at The Podium. The book, entitled “Global Filipino: The Authorized Biography of Jose de Venecia, Jr., the Visionary Five-Time Speaker of the House of Representatives of the Philippines”, was authored by a veteran American journalist and did not only document JDV’s rise to become one of the prominent politicians in the country, but also contained his insider’s account of the controversies hounding the Arroyo administration.

It was a newsworthy event in itself, what with the presence of political bigwigs of the past and present, headed by the 3 living former presidents of the country. But a remark from one of them made the event headline material for days to come.

Former President Corazon Aquino, during her brief speech, quipped “ I am one of those who plead guilty for 2001. Lahat naman tayo nagkakamali. Patawarin mo na lang ako”, apparently in response to deposed Former President Joseph Estrada’s joke in his earlier speech in which he said to JDV that he had already given him his “full and absolute pardon” as an exercise of his executive privilege.

As expected, the quote garnered an avalanche of reactions, from key personalities during the EDSA 2 uprising and opposition stalwarts alike. Some defended Cory, others said it was proof that Erap was really innocent and was just a victim of political power play, but most criticized President Aquino, saying that she overdid her reconciliation with Erap, with Senator Richard Gordon going as far as giving her the nickname ‘President Sorry’.

President Estrada said that he was vindicated, while Cory spokesman Dodie Limchauco explained her side, saying that the quote should have been taken in the context of a joke, as it was a very lighthearted affair, with Erap himself cracking his own jokes while delivering his speech.

The “sorry” remark itself could have meant any other thing. She may have been sorry for joining EDSA Dos because the alternative turned out to be no better than Erap. Or maybe because while she did not believe Erap to be guilty, she had no choice but to join in because almost all the power players in politics and business were in. Or maybe because while she was convinced of Erap’s guilt, she felt for the shame and embarrassment he endured in the succeeding years after he was driven out of power.

We may never know what the “sorry” really was for. But what we have to understand is that it was a personal matter between two very public figures. Cory did not speak on behalf, and she never claimed that she did, of the Filipino people or any particular group for that matter. Did Erap deserve to be apologized to? Only God and Erap himself know if he does.

But for whatever it’s worth, it doesn’t change anything that happened in 2001. Erap will always be described in the history books as the President who was ousted from his post by a popular uprising due to what people deemed to be an unfair impeachment trial stemming from charges that he received payouts from illegal gambling. The history books will also show that Cory was one of many prominent personalities who led this revolt. History will not include a footnote saying that after seven years, she said sorry to him.

Just before 2008 ended, I received what I consider as the best New Year’s gift I’ve received in years. After the last worship service of the year, Papa treated me and Mommy to Mcdonald’s . When Mommy asked why he was doing it, Papa placed an arm around my shoulder and said, “I just want to say sorry to you son, for I blamed you for all our struggles this year. I only realized now that it was God who helped us through everything”.

Did I deserve his apology? I certainly hope I do. For in spite of the fact that my decision to resign from a job that paid me well and open a business that not only earned much lower than expected, but worse, went through all sorts of problems that I had to close it for 3 months, hurt my parents a lot, I had nothing but the best intentions in doing so. I couldn’t help but feel guilty for everything, for maybe if I had not resigned from my job, then we would have been in a much better financial situation now. But my father’s words were a sign that no matter what happens, he was going to support me now every step of the way.

His “sorry” may not have changed anything that we went through, but it has made all the difference for me.of “Global Filipino: The Authorized Biography of Jose de Venecia Jr., the Visionary Five-Time Speaker of the House of Representatives of the Philippines,”of “Global Filipino: The Authorized Biography of Jose de Venecia Jr., the Visionary Five-Time Speaker of the House of Representatives of the Philippines,”of “Global Filipino: The Authorized Biography of Jose de Venecia Jr., the Visionary Five-Time Speaker of the House of Representatives of the Philippines,”””””””””””””